For years I was concerned with how competent and perfect I presented myself as, regardless of who I was with and irrespective of occasion. It mattered most to me that I be perceived as having all the answers, being totally together, and not being seen as partially baked as in truth I am.
This morning while meditating I came to a realization that I am now and always will be nothing but process. I will always be flowing through the feelings and thoughts and ideas and forms that find purchase in my life to the level I allow them, to the depth of which I am aware of them.
Recently, while traveling in Oregon I had the opportunity to study rivers and the simplicity of flow. Nature plays a large part. Gravity, slope, and consistency determine velocity. Ambient moisture via clouds formulate color. Quality of light cultivates clarity. A river viewed from one angle at one hour of the day is different than a river viewed from another at another.
So what does this have to do with us, or what you’re really interested in, with you?
It became clear to me this morning that everything is flow and anything in any moment is in a process of formulating itself. Nothing is complete, not even concrete regardless of how many hours it has already set.
I realize that I am a man looking to find the man that I might be.
I am a minister looking to find the minister I might be.
I have come out in so many ways this past year. I have come out of hiding even as I have sequestered myself from social media and focused on the inner life expressing genuinely in my most personal and intimate of relationships.
I believe all of us are half-baked and that secretly each of us wishes no one will see under the surface of our well-cultivated veneer and, we fear, discover us somehow lacking. I know this is how I used to live daily.
Today when I awakened to discover that as uncomfortable as flowing in the vulnerability of myself as a process is, it is still the most truthful place I can be at any time. I cannot use anyone else’s understanding of who I am as any kind of reliable mirror. My process of discovering who I am beyond any of the identities I have relied on in the past, is as wild as the Crooked River flowing around Smith Rock in Oregon. It is majestic and magical, its origin, as was mine, as tumultuous and terrific as the pop, push and pull of a volcano changing form and leaving all that it once knew behind in order to become the beauty of this moment in time.
I hope for you a similar understanding wherein you see yourself beyond the illusion of those who can’t, at least for now.